:(

I miss this place...

I miss my bloggy-friends...

... be back soon!

Hugs!
Loony Laura!

:)

At a Stand Still

I have not posted in awhile.

No excuses.

Just have not made the time.

Have not really felt motivated enough to post.

Oh, I have lots of ideas - and some great material!

But I am not making the time.

I am too tired.

I am too stretched.

I have so many other areas of my life I want to get into order.

I need to relax, refocus and decide what and why I want to continue this blog.

I am at a stand still, and I need to figure out what to do...

...see you soon....I hope!

This morning...

This morning I am tired, cranky and having "period problems".

This morning I eyed up all the donuts and danishes at the coffee shop.

This morning I did not cave in.

Today, I will stay on program.

This week I will be successful at the scale.

The scat master irons his socks

OH my!

Rex Murphy did not disappoint!!!!

"The scat master"

"No bimbos in Harper land!"

"Harper and the Deficits"




OH my!
I HEART Rex!!!!!

10:30 tears

I woke up Friday morning knowing I was probably going to shed a tear (or two) at 10:30am. I thought I was prepared by stuffing some tissue into my purse when I ran off to work at 2:30am.

All morning the excitement grew.

I finished work shortly before 9am and hustled to my parking garage.

My plan was to head over to Party Planners and pick up a little balloon bouquet and meet my hubby and kids at the school. Today was the BIG day - DJ was graduating from senior kindergarten!

The ceremony was to start at 10:30.

At 9:05 I drove up the parking garage ramp. Stopped to let a few pedestrians walk across. Checked right, checked left, checked right and pulled out.....KABBOOOOOOM!

A garbage truck had been obstructing my view. I thought it was clear...but it wasn't clear.
I hit a Blue Line taxi.

Did I ever feel bad. But, the good thing was that I was just inching out when it happened, and there was very little damage.

The cab driver was upset. Understandably.

I apologized. Then went and retrieved my documents and information.

I was shaken and very upset, but worked very hard to keep it together. No one was hurt. There was minimal damage to the two cars.

I asked the cab driver for his information and told him that we would swap information and then go to the reporting centre. We could both be on our way in a matter of minutes.

He refused to give me his information. He claimed we had to call the police.

I did not want to argue - but I adamantly informed him that the procedure, as I understood it, was that since no one was hurt and that both cars were drive-able, that we would exchange info and then go to the reporting centre.

He refused. He got angry.

I called the police.

We waited...and waited...and waited.

I looked at the clock - 9:25...9:45...10:10...10:20... 10:30. Graduation time. Tears.

Of course we were not a priority - there were no injuries and no sizable damage.

The cab driver got impatient. I once again informed him what I thought we should do. He disagreed and we called the police again.

They were on their way.

I had been right - I did shed many tears at 10:30. Unfortunately, it wasn't at my eldest child's graduation. It was in my car, frustrated, upset, mad, angry and terribly shaken.
Finally the police arrived.

First I told my side of the story - explaining the garbage truck and how I thought it was clear, but obviously, it wasn't.

I explained how I asked the other driver at least 4 times for his information and wanted to go sort it out at the reporting office. I was visibly upset.

The officer was very understanding. He asked me to wait in my car while he took the information from the cab driver.

Oh, what a heated exchange that was...yes, I was correct in the proper procedure to deal with a minor fender bender. The cab driver - who drives for his living - was wrong. If he would have followed proper procedure, then I would have been at the school well before the graduation.

In spite of the minor finder bender, that I take sole responsibility for, I could have sat in the front row, clapping and cheering...and shedding tears of joy and pride at my son's graduation. I would have been there when my son was awarded to top class award...and I would have shed another tear. Yep. Top honours! The Peacemaker award!

Instead, I sat in my banged up car and cried.

I was charged with failure to yield from a private road - the least of the charges the police officer charge me. The police had been super nice - explained it all to me - told me he had "educated" the cab driver and told me I could go on my way.

I put on my seat belt, turned my key, and realized I had killed my battery while waiting. So, I shed another tear.

Yep, I knew I would shed a tear that morning - but I never imagined I would miss my little man's graduation. It was heartbreaking.

So, here are some photos of my eldest son's graduation, you know, the one his Momma missed :(

Let's hope I get to attend his middle school, high school, and university graduations!

(I am so proud of you DJ - You make my heart sing, my child!)

Training Hoping Running Smiling

I figured 38 minutes.

I hoped for 34 minutes.

I ran for 33.06 minutes.

I am still smiling.

Monday I start my training for a 10KM race in May...let's hope I am still smiling!

Thank you everyone for all your support. LOVE IT! LOVE YOU!

Fitness Friday - Prep for fun!

OK! My race is tomorrow morning at 9:15am. It is a nice route along Colonel By Drive (and Rideau Canal) from Pretoria Bridge to the Bronson Bridge and back. It is calling for a nice 3 degrees Celsius with cloudy skies. I think it will be nice running conditions.

Here are a few photos of the area where the race is being held:

I am taking it easy today. I have had a long, tiring week and need to rest up for what is for sure going to be a great weekend.

Here is a list of things I need to get organized for tomorrow morning:

- Pick up race kit

- Attach shamrocks to my running pants and coat as part of my costume (!?!?!)

- Drink lots of water

- Place out all my running gear

- Bake my shamrock cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies (2 batches of each!)

- Buy a new blade for my straight cutter

- Organize and pack all my photos

- Pack up all the ingredients to make the most fabulous scrambled egg breakfast ever!

- Get all my scrapbooking materials packed up and into the car

- Place my parent's house key on my key ring

- Pack my over night bag

- Pack my soccer gear for my game on Sunday afternoon

It is incredible all the things you need to do before running a 5k race!!!

Oh! Did I mention that, after my big race, 4 of the most wonderful ladies are meeting me at my parent's house about 45km away (away from work, hubby and the kids) for a girls' scrapbooking weekend! The funny part is growing up I NEVER disobeyed my parents and hosted a party in their absence!!! No, I think I did it right....no teenage party will ever out do a kidless, free, scrapbooking weekend away!!!!

Oh ya! No matter how I feel during or after my race, no matter my finishing time, no matter the weather, no matter what, this is going to be a great weekend!!!! (If I survive it!!!)

In honour of this bound-to-be-great weekend, I present to you birthday gift ideas # 29 and # 28:

29) I would soooo love a long sleeve running shirt that would be perfect for Ottawa spring weather. Something like this:

28) And as I move forward with my transition from strictly traditional scrapbooking to a hybrid form of mixing traditional and digital scrapbooking, I would totally appreciate a year membership to Heritage Makers. The extremely lovely Kristen from Mighty Morphin' Mama is a consultant and introduced me to her product line - it totally rocks and I think it would be a super cool addition to my scrapbooking tool set. Not only does the Heritage Makers' annual membership make my list of 40 gifts for my 40th birthday, but Oprah named it one of her favorite things too!!!! (Go check it out! Then, after you fall in love with it you can order one membership for me, and then treat yourself too!)

Wish me luck for my big debut race...Irish luck that is!!!!

Have a wonderful and great weekend...I know I will for sure!!!!

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

We have all heard of the 12 days of Christmas. But really? Who wants a partridge in a pear tree??? I sure do not!

But, with only 40 days before I turn 40 - there are a few things I would like!

Usually when asked what I want for Christmas or birthdays, I either say nothing or list one or two very affordable items...well, not this time!!!!

Drum roll please....

In no particular order, here is the first installment of 40 gifts for Laura's 40th Birthday:

40. Garmin - Forerunner 405 with MHR


This cool running thingy will help me set my routes, pace and I am hoping it will even do the run for me! Seriously, I would love this since I could really track my progress and it would help me with setting my distances and pace while training for my 10K and my eventual half marathon!

I would settle for a lower model - as long as it allowed me to input my 10/1 run/walk pattern and calculated distances and pace. I am not too fussy - though I would require a good tutorial on using the thing since I cannot even set my watch when day light savings time comes around!!!!

Weight Watchers & Steroids

I attended my second Weight Watchers meeting last night. According to their scales I am down one pound since my last weigh in with them - and their reading of 179 pounds is exactly what my weigh in at the hospital was on Tuesday night. So, we are all on the same page, or, well, should I say on the same weight???!!!


The meeting was packed - it is a very large group. We celebrated some successes: 5 pounds, 15 pounds and obtaining goal weight. It was nice to outwardly and publicly recognize people who are succeeding on program. (more on that later!) The main topic of the meeting was on tracking and the difference between journalling everything you eat and the simply satisfied strategy. I am a tracker - and I NEED to be a tracker - so, the meeting simply helped me to further commit to writing down EVERYTHING I eat and drink. By tracking and documenting and portion control, I think my weight loss will continue.


The team leader, while not super thin, was very energetic, encouraging and enthusiastic. I enjoyed her style and look forward to our next meeting.


Two side bars:

1. My co-Weight Watcher joining friend had a GREAT first week - she lost 3 pounds!!! Ya for DC!!!!!! (hope you do not mind a call out in this forum!!!!) LOVE YA! See you tonight for our walk!


2. I mentioned my blog at the meeting last night - hello all new Fringe Walkers - Welcome! It felt a bit strange to publicly mention and give the url of my blog to basically a room of strangers - but I look forward to meeting new Fringe readers and sharing, learning and loosing together!

Ok - now, back to my post for today.

Did you see my title? Confused? No, Weight Watchers is not pushing steroids! No, when I applied, interviewed and accepted a spot in my Weight Management program I figured the 2 hour weekly meetings would be like Weight Watchers' meeting - only kind of like WW Meetings on Steroids. I was excited - I am an extrovert and thrive on group discussion and such.

As I mentioned the other day, I only have one more weekly session for my program - then I have 6 additional sessions. Overall, I am very disappointed in the weekly sessions. Over the last 25 weeks I have committed to the program and have not missed one session. I have learned new strategies and have taken new lessons from many of the sessions - but overall, I found the sessions unprofessional and basically lame.

Initially, I was super excited about having sessions by a behaviour specialist, a nutritionist, and an exercise specialist. Very quickly, it was apparent that the nutritionist was the MVP of this group of professionals. The behaviour specialist was very nice, knowledgeable, and able to draw on her own experiences on the product - but she lacked a dynamic feature that the Weight Watcher leaders I have seen so far seem to have in over abundance. The sessions did not have a structured flow and I felt like much time was wasted on pop-culture items such as Oprah and here weight struggles. I also found that the behaviour specialist, while very friendly and empathetic to our struggles was too concerned about being politically correct and should have been a bit more stronger in preaching concrete weight loss strategies and habits.

I was utterly disappointed in the exercise component of the program - perhaps since I have always been active - but just the same, the young, perky gal was a bit of a flutter-cake who did not deliver any of the exercise examples and programs as she promised. Three sessions were used up, when the content she provided could have been done in one session. I would have liked to have seen one intro to exercise session, one session on defining and sticking to an exercise program and one session on evaluating and setting future goals.

As mentioned, the nutritionist was great. She gave good talks with lots of information. She was very knowledgeable and friendly. I found her very approachable. I enjoyed the session on reading labels and learned so much. I really enjoyed the taste testing session where she made healthy, quick items we got to try. I have suggested they have more sessions like that in the program - one guy in the program just eats cans of beans, and perhaps if we made, tasted and saw food choices he could graduate to other items!!!! I know I always appreciate hands on knowledge gathering on food and cooking items.

Another element that I really like at WW and found lacking at the Weight Management Program was the aspect of celebrating milestones. Unless we discussed our successes, and failures amongst ourselves, the leaders rarely drew attention to our weight losses. Especially while on product, you could see the weight coming off the participants - but there was no class celebrating. I realize this was for a reason, and that Weight Watchers really totes the successes - but it is easier to stay motivated when you know your hard work will be acknowledged. For this reason, I prefer the WW method.

In terms of the doctors - I looked forward to the weekly doctor sessions - though sometimes they were a bit lame. How are you doing? Look at you! WOW. See you next week! This program is toted as "medically supervised" I think more attention should have been paid to our routine blood work and really discussing our weight issues with the doctor, instead of just reviewing scale numbers.

Also, I think a session with a qualified professional - almost like a one-on-one shrink session - would have been a great addition to the program. People could explore their eating issues in confidence and with a professional. I did not feel I could really talk about certain elements of my weight struggle in front of the group. Further more, there was a session when one topic really hit a nerve with another participant and her reaction to the topic screamed for professional help. I am certain some of her eating issues stem from abuse and having a secure, professional therapy session may have helped more than skimming over her issues in the bug group. I for one also would have appreciated the one-on-one time to discuss the more emotional and deep-seated eating issues I have been working on.

Finally, the list of additional information sessions they distributed last week was a joke. The topics covered in Weight Watchers are more concrete and interesting. I have to choose 6 sessions to attend and not one session offered this spring interests me....not sure what I will do!

OK - once again, my post is getting long, and winded. I am not even going to proof read this post since I do not want to keep adding to it!!!!!

Like every program, there are definite pros and cons to The Weight Management Program. Like I said before, I will NEVER regret participating - but I am also ready to move on. I am excited to see what Weight Watchers has to offer...and I am even more excited about keeping focused, keeping committed and succeeding in redefining my eating habits, my relationship with food and loosing more weight!

Almost 67 pounds lost...about 30 more to go!

Weighing In

Weight loss wise, this has been a fairly good week. I have stuck mainly to my food plan and have been exercising a lot. I am anticipating a loss at tonight's weigh in.

Last week I had a gain, as I had predicted. I had gone up two pounds - I could list 4 issues that negatively impacted me last week. I am not upset or frustrated - heck, in 23 weeks I have lost consistently, only gaining in two weeks for a total gain of 2.5 pounds! I am very glad, I was able to regroup and have a good week. Even if the scale does not say a loss tonight, I know it has been a good 7 days.

I only have 2 more weeks on my hospital monitored weight loss program. I thought perhaps I would weigh in on the program.

One one word: extreme.

Yes, it was an extreme weight loss strategy to attempt. Going off food and following a low calorie liquid diet is not for everyone. It is a controversial way to loose weight. But I think, in some cases, this method could and is very beneficial. I think I am one of those feel-good stories.

I have always been active, and was finding it harder and harder to keep active since my weight was, well, weighing me down. I was beginning to suffocate under extra pounds, emotional eating and mindless eating. Deep down, I knew if I lost pounds fast, that I would get motivated and focused. I knew this would be a good kick-start to my new lifestyle - actually, a kick-start to returning to my old, pre-kid lifestyle.

That is exactly what happened. I am now active 6 out of 7 days doing some sort of physical activity. I am leading an active lifestyle - taking stairs, eating healthy, and being more aware of what my body and mind need to be at ideal function-level.

Going on an all-liquid diet taught me a few lessons:

1. the body actually need very little (compared to what I had been giving it!) fuel to function,
2. Number one is especially true when you are using high-octane fuel such as veggies and healthy alternatives,
3. food does not have to control me...I made it through emotional and stressful situations with no chocolate, or junk food - I coped with only a shake mix...so, now I know I can cope without turning to food,
4. I like good, healthy, interesting food - junk food is just that - JUNK,
5. and finally, I never want to loose control again - and I will never turn to a liquid diet again - I am determined to eat a healthy and sensible diet for the rest of my life.

I am very glad I did this program. I am very proud that I did this program. I am proud, happy and motivated by my 65+ pound loss in less than 6 months.

Unfortunately, I am still coming to terms with me HAVING to resort to this extreme method of loosing weight. how could I not care to such an extreme that I could let myself balloon to such an unhealthy weight. I still beat myself up for past mistakes. Oh, and how I fear I will fall into old habits and destructive behaviour. I do not want to be THAT girl who lost tonnes and tonnes of weight, only to have it all creep back on...

I guess awareness and acceptance and forgiveness are all areas that I still have to work on during this lifelong journey and process.

Fundamentally, I enjoyed the weekly sessions. It kept me motivated and focused. I am actually a bit peeved that at week 26 of the program we stop going weekly. In fact, I went and joined Weight Watchers last week to keep the social, learning and educational component of my journey going in full steam.

OK...this post is getting a bit long winded! I have lots more to say about the different leaders that we had over the last 26 weeks and the doctor and participant involvement...so, I think I will end this post and divide my thoughts into a series of posts that will be a sort of de-briefing of sorts.

I am both positive and realistic. I am facing the life-long challenge of keeping my weight and my eating in control. This is not going to be easy. Over the last 24 weeks I have learned many coping strategies and I have explored my inner-most thoughts and attitudes...I may not have will-power, but I have knowledge-power. I have a plethora of tools, tricks, strategies and ways of combating destructive behaviour, unhealthy temptations and even every-day-ordinary situations...I just have to keep at it, one day at a time.

This is me, 2 weeks before I started the program.

(Approximately 246 pounds)

This is me with only 2 weeks left on the program! Even in my winter coat, you can see a huge difference shedding over 65 pounds can make!!!

(approximately 179 pounds)

I promise more before and after photos soon...the main challenge is FINDING old, fat, me photos since I stayed away from cameras!

PS - guess what I did last week????? I registered for this, and this, and even this! YAH ME!!!!

When did David know I was the one?

The photos I posted the other day were taken in June of 2002. I love those photos - no matter how embarrassing or hilarious they are to others. To me, they represent love, and I think of that evening back in June every Valentine's day!

I was looking forward to our dinner out. David, my fiance, and I were meeting up with one of my dear bride's maids and her boyfriend for dinner. It did not seem odd that they had agreed to go to an expensive fish restaurant - even though Cara hates fish! It did not seem odd that a group of kids were hiding behind the bushes and giggling. It did not seem odd when David stopped just before Cara's apartment and turned me around and planted a wonderful kiss. Nope, it all seemed perfectly normal.

Till I knocked on the apartment door.

Cara certainly was not dressed appropriately for the restaurant, for starters.

And secondly, her apartment was over crowded with all our mutual soccer friends.

A surprise bachelorette party for yours truly.

Ok. So that explains the huge pen*s and my get up! And, yes, the drinking. But how does that relate back to Valentine's day or true love.

Like all totally awesome bachelorette parties, mine involved a few drinking games. One in particular is dear to my heart.

Cara had cornered David at work and drilled him with a million questions. She asked him tons of questions about his likes, dislikes, our relationship, his childhood - no topic was off limits.

From that interrogation she compiled a long list of questions to ask me. The idea was to see how much I knew of my true love...and how much I did not!

If I got the answer wrong, I had to take a shot - or at least what my friend Lynn thought was a shot - which was more like 3-5 ounces of really terrible "girlie" liquor!

At the beginning I did pretty well. More right than wrong...then I was asked, " What was the name of David's first dog?"

CRAP. CRAPPITY CRAP.... Princess? Queenie? I knew it was something "royal".....

DRINK UP! The right answer is Duchess!

For a bunch of questions I was so close, but yet so far...what a slippery slope...soon I was really feeling the effects of my wrong answers. Like my father always says, close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades!

Oh, I got David's favorite colour, his favorite restaurant, what we did on our first and third date right, there were some doozies...some challenging, some easy, then came the big question:

When did David know you were the one?

Hmmmmmmm.....When did David know I was the one? hmmmmm...when???

I knew for me, it was after our FIRST date that I gushed to my girlfriends I just knew he was the one....could he have known that early???

No. Probably not. OH! Could it have been at this time? That would make sense...

Yep. That had to be it...so, I confirmed, that was my final answer.

I held my breath...

Cara yelped a big, "Nope - it was when your ski broke, or something like that..." and Lynn poured me another drink to chug!

I accepted defeat, and slugged back my "punishment" and started to reminisce about the night my ski broke... even in my drunken state, I could remember it perfectly!

David knew I was the one when one cold February night we went downhill skiing. I was not a skier - had not been for years. So, I dusted off my 10 year old skis I had lugged to Ottawa when I first moved to the area, but had never used. And, hoped for the best. David had suggested I rent newer skis - but I insisted mine were perfectly fine.

I had great fun. I stayed mostly on the smaller hills and slowly started to get the hang of it. So midway through the evening, the bunch of us decided to go to a more challenging hill.

During the chairlift ride David and I held hands. I was loving it all!

We did the top half of the slope. Met up, and then continued down the hill. All was going great.

I zipped passed David and then he zipped past me.

David finished the run before me and waited at the chairlift line.

And waited.

And waited.

He got a bit nervous, and started to make his way back to the ski run. He turned the bend, and little did he know that the next 5 minutes would change his life forever!

There I was, walking down the hill, carrying my skis!! And boy, was I giggling!

When we met up - I burst out laughing and gave him a big hug. He looked so concerned and worried.

You see, my ancient binding had exploded...yep, exploded.

I was in the middle of making a turn when I heard a strange noise and then I saw my ski take off down the hill...without me!

I went tumbling down the hill!

After getting up, dusting myself off, I could not stop giggling...I picked up all my equipment (I would later learn that it is called a yard sale wipe out when you loose your equipment all over the hill in a spill!)

With skis in hand, I walked down the rest of the hill. Laughing.

All I could think about was, "Wow, this is sure going to impress David! NOT! Hope he asks me out again, but I will have to buy new skis!"

Once he confirmed I was ok. He asked if I wanted to go home - I quickly replied, "No way - let's stay, you do a few more runs and I will wait in the chalet. Go have fun, but promise me you will help me buy a new pair of skis!"

David gave me a hug, and said, "Sure, I am so glad you like skiing..." he hugged me again, kissed me and told me, "love you lots".

I never imagined that at that moment, he was realizing that I was the one. The ONE for him.

All I knew was no matter what we did, no matter what, I always had fun with David. Even in the midst of huge wipe outs, I super enjoyed being with this man. Little did I know, that during our night of skiing, David was coming to the same realizations about me!

I waited in the chalet and watched the man of my dreams ski a few more runs. I was happy. Truly happy... and I still am today!!!!

Now, every Valentine's day, I give David a big hug and innocently ask, "Remember when my ski broke?"

And David replies with a grin, "I certainly do!"

Then, I giggle and say, "Remember my giant pen*s?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

(I will not post his routine response...just in case my mother or mother-in-law are reading!!!)

Happy belated Valentine's day everyone - I hope you had a wonderfully happy day with your loved one. Me, I went skiing!!!!

With the man I love with all my being...

... and with two of the three products of this mutual love!

IT ROCKED!

and I was happy!

PS - sorry for the delay - my access to Blogger is a bit wonky!

Page Loading issue

It appears that there is a page loading issue on my blog...sorry!

I have gotten a few hilarious comments about my recent photos...and was told to put the link directly on a separate post so that others click through!!!

So, click here, to see my initial Valentine's Day Post!

I promise to post part two later today!

Hee Hee!

I knew you were the one, when...

A few photos to spark your interest...the real love story to follow...stay tuned!

OK. With photo evidence like that, can you just IMAGINE the story I am going to tell next post?!?!?!?!?!

Off to go celebrate Valentine's day with the sweetest, most wonderful man in the world......catch ya later!

BFF Coming Home!

I call my BFF every day. We chat about everything and anything.

My kids. Her kids. My hubby. Her hubby. My life. Her life. My friends. Her Friends. Our friends. The weather. Yoga. Diets. Daily struggles. Daily victories. The important stuff. The not so important stuff. We talk about it all.

I really enjoy our daily chats - in fact some times we chat a few times a day. We are never at a loss for words.

My BBF has been away for three weeks. Cruising the Mediterranean. (You bet, I'm jealous!)

I am very glad she is coming home today. I miss her.

Hope you had a great trip Mom (& Dad) - cannot wait to hear all about it and see all your photos!

*** In case you are all wondering, yes, I also consider "Mu-Dad" a BFF...and I am certainly a Daddy's little girl!!!! And, yes, I miss him too!

Wordless Wednesday - Ya! Me!

This was pretty much my reaction when I heard this news at my weight management class:

I am sooooo happy, proud and motivated. I actually have about another 30 pounds to loose, but in 10 pounds I will hit the main goal I set at the beginning of my weight management program.

Now that I am done transition and eating a full menu plan, my goal is to loose 10-30 pounds through healthy eating, increased fitness activities and portion control. My objective is to loose 1-3 pounds a week for the next 10 weeks and then to re-evaluate my ultimate desired weight!

Ya! Me!

(Thank you to everyone for your wonderful support!)

A tsunami of emotion

I have not felt much like blogging lately.

At first I thought it was because a silly incident that happened at Christmas... but then thought back to this week, four years ago. And I immediately realized why my heart was heavy, my words few, my mood sour and my eyes teary.

Four years ago 11 Indian Ocean countries were hit by a catastrophic tsunami. So many lives were lost. Such destruction, lost and peril. My heart goes out to everyone impacted by that powerful, destructive force of nature.

In the hours after the tsunami hit, I too was hit by my own personal tsunami. A tsunami of emotion.

Anderson was only a few weeks old. I had taken to sleeping in his nursery for night feedings. It is amazing how comfortable and wonderful I felt, nestled in with my second baby. I was happy.

Unlike with DJ, breast feeding came naturally. Ander and I quickly became pros at a skill that eluded me with DJ. For that, I was so happy and content.

Life was easy. I slept when baby Anderson slept, woke with him, fed him, changed him, cradled him. Repeat. David and my parents took care of everything else.

During one late night feeding I turned on the radio. Coverage of the tsunami was in full swing.

I sat, staring at the radio. Stunned at what I was hearing. My heart breaking for everyone involved or touched by this disaster.

I looked down at my little boy. So sweet. So innocent. I could not help but smile through my tears. I thanked God my family was safe. I hugged my little boy and drifted off to sleep with him at my breast.

Little did I know that I would soon be hit by my own tsunami. A tidal wave of emotion that would leave me crippled, injured and scared forever.

A few hours later Anderson awoke again, looking for boobie and comfort.

While I fed him I listened to the radio. The CBC was now speaking to survivors and the stories were heart wrenching. Every single one of them.

One in particular tore my heart. It was an interview with a woman from Australia. She had been on the beach with her 3 month old baby and her 30 month old son when the wave hit. She frantically struggled to hold onto her two young children. She spoke of how strangers attempted to grab her and her children - to rescue them. But, the tide was too strong and they were being pulled out further and further. She fought hard - trying to keep her babies above water.

She soon realized that without the ability to tread water, she and her babies would perish.

She had to make a choice.

Both her arms were wrapped around her children. She was frantic.

She had to make a choice.

At this point in the interview, the traumatized mother was sobbing and frantic. The interviewer was sobbing. I was sobbing.

I turned off the radio.

I looked into my sweet baby's face and drifted off to sleep.

Just 19 days earlier, I had become a mother for the second time. I now had newborn and a 12 month old. I was now responsible for two of God's children. Two. Like that Australian mother in Thailand. That mother who in split second, had to make a choice.

My exhausted body slept, but my dreams haunted me.

What if I had to make a choice? How could I make a choice. Would I make a choice? What would be my choice? What if I had to make a choice?

My dreams turned into nightmares of house fires and only having the ability to save one of my precious children. What would I choose to do? My dreams turned to nightmares of car accidents, and only having the ability of saving one of my sweet babies. My dreams turned to nightmares of illnesses and plagues - and me having to make a choice.

The next morning, my waking hours became my worse nightmares.

I became crippled with fear, anxiety and worry. I could not stop thinking of that woman from Australia, who had to make a choice.

I was hit by a tsunami of emotion. I became crippled by indecisiveness. Smothered with fear. Overwhelmed with anxiety.

At first I could hide it from everyone.

A few deep breaths before driving the car. A shake of my head to expel the demons would work.

Then, I began to unravel. I could not sleep. I could not focus. I could not cope.

I began to question my ability to be a good parent. I started to plan escape routes. I took to analyzing every day events for dangers. Risk was every where. At any moment, I might be called to make a choice. To make a decision. The decision.

Crippled by indecisiveness. Smothered with fear. Overwhelmed with anxiety.

Once when I was driving to playgroup I came to a stoplight. I stopped and waited for the light to change.

Before the light could change from red to green I became crippled by indecisiveness. Smothered with fear. Overwhelmed with anxiety.

The light turned green. I stared at the steering wheel. Unable to put my foot on the gas. The car behind me honked. I turned around. It was a burgundy Malibu. While turned, I looked down at my babies in the back seat. Secure in their car seats. I turned to face the front, hands gripping the steering wheel. What if. What if I did drive through that intersection and a car came through the intersection at the same time and was about to hit us. How could I save both my children? How could I angle our vehicle so that I took the brunt of the impact. What if only one of my babies would survive? What if I had to choose? What if I had to decide?

Crippled by indecisiveness. Smothered with fear. Overwhelmed with anxiety.

The turned red. I was safe. Then it turned green again.

I thank God for the police car that just happened to pull up beside me. I am certain the police officer could tell something was not right.

Cars honked. The light turned red again. I was safe.

The police officer got out of her car. Motioned for me to roll down my window.

Tears streaming down my face, all I mumbled was, " I cannot decide. I cannot choose. Please help me."

Crippled by indecisiveness. Smothered with fear. Overwhelmed with anxiety.

The police officer guided my out of my car. Walked me to a nearby plaza parking lot.

We called my husband.

I calmed down. To this day, I do not really remember what happened next. But my husband comforted me. He assured me. He loved me. He encouraged me.

Slowly, I drove home.

Slowly, I took control.

Slowly, the tides of emotion starting to reverse.

With love and support from family and friends, and medical help I survived a tsunami that is also called post partum anxiety. And while, the love and support I received from family and friends - along with medical help - helped me to deal, cope and conquer my demons, four years later I still struggle to understand the power and destruction a tsunami can pack.

My heart goes out to everyone impacted by the actual tsunami that hit Thailand and surrounding areas. By no means does this post make light of that situation. But at the same time, during this time of remembrance, I also think of all new parents who may be facing their own personal tsunami. I pray and hope they too can survive, like I did.

Writer's Block

Like some of the best trained and prepared marathoners - I think I have hit a wall.

Well, it is day 29 of NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month. Last year I only made it to 24 posts - this year - well, it is November 29, so I simply need to post a Saturday and a Sunday entry and I will be successful!!! Victorious...unfortunately, I am suffering from a duo-case of writer's block.

Yep. Duo-case of Writer's Block - this is a rare and very painful ailment.

Like most people, I find writer's block to be frustrating and irritating.

Well, it is even worst in your second language!

Je dois écrire une histoire en français pour ma classe ce matin… que je lutte !

My French class is in 2 hours, and the above sentence is the only sentence I have written in French...hmmm....how do you say writer's block in French, and is that an excuse not to have my assignment completed?? Or to abandon NaBloPoMo?

If I do not post I will not have the sweet feeling of accomplishing this great challenge. I will not have done my part in polluting the airs of blog-world. I will not be eligible for any of the great prizes.

Oh, attendez-vous un moment!
Wait a moment!

Voila!

A post - a lame post...but a post just the same ...no French assignment yet, but a post!!!! WOO HOO!

A month Early

Christmas may come early on The Fringe!

Yep. The Fringe has been nominated for 2 awards, and now, it is up to you, kind readers, to vote.

The first round of voting will conclude on November 28. So, please go and vote now!

The second round of voting will narrow the list of nominees in each category down to the top 5 from the first round of voting.


So, please click click below to vote for The Fringe - your click could get me into the second round of voting. And that would be WAY COOL and would be an AWESOME early Christmas gift!

Best Family Blog

Best Blog

You do not have to have a blog, nor do you have to be Canadian to vote. So, please vote!

Long Day Lessons

Today has been a long day - literally, it has been a long day.

3:02 AM - Woke up
3:55 - Arrived at work
4:00 - 8:00 - Worked regular hours
8:30 - 11:30 - Played with Madigan, folded laundry, packed for all three kiddies, ran 3 errands with Madigan
11:40 - Met boys' bus
12:30 - 1:30 Hit McD's drive through for kiddies and drove to Kemptville
1:30 - 3:00 - Had a nice visit with my parents
3:00 - 4:00 - Hit the dollar store in Kemptville for party favours - BINGO! Lucked out and got everything I needed!
4:00 - 4:45 - Drove back to Ottawa
5:00 - 5:30 - Caught up on my blog reading and commenting
5:30 - 7:00 - Relaxed in a warm bath
7:00 - 8:30 - Wink, wink, nudge, nudge --- no kids at home, you can figure out how hubby and I spent our time!!!!! (blush, blush)
8:30 - 10:30 - Napped in the arms of my wonderful man
11:00 PM - Arrived at work to do an extra shift
11:00 PM - 1:30 AM - Monitored National news and completed assigned tasks as requested by the Office of the Prime Minister of Canada
2:00 AM - Arrived home

Now, I hope to sleep as I have my French course at 9AM for 3 LONG hours...

...did I mention it was a long day?

And worst of all - I keep thinking of food! I am so tired and all I want is to snack. Mindless snacking. But I am committed to my weight loss program. But I cannot stop thinking of food! Junk food, comfort food.

I am actually a bit depressed over all this craving sweets and junk food. I am scared that once I am transitioned back to food, I may fall into my old habits. That is not acceptable. I cannot go back to my old ways. I have learned coping strategies. I have worked hard to loose 42+ pounds. Why forfeit all that?

Some days I think I have come a long way in changing my way of thinking of food...and then I have a day like today.

While I am optimistic that I am learning and changing and committing to a healthy lifestyle moving forward - I have now realized food will always be an issue for me. And I will have to be strong, committed and secure in my decisions not to let food control me any more.

I did not break program - even though this has been a long day - and even though in the past I would have snacked on chocolate bars, chips, cola and other terrible food choices - I did not.

I learned an invaluable lesson during my long day.

Good Night! Sleep and Eat well my friends.

Bend it like Beckham

All I have to say is that playing soccer is a whole lot more fun when you are almost 40 pounds lighter!!!!!

I had my first indoor game tonight - and while we did not win - I felt GREAT out there.

I ran the entire time, made good plays and have started to play like I use to...I am so happy and proud of myself...and newly motivated!