It sits in my wallet - between my VISA card and my Petro-Points card. It is just a piece of paper. But, every time I go through my wallet, I see it, I finger past it and my heart stops for a moment.
This yellow piece of paper is a requisition for Madigan's ultrasound follow up. It is dated August 1, 2007. All I have to do is call up the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) and make the appointment. But I cannot.
It is not that I am worried that the ultrasound will detect another tumor in my little girl. It is not that I fear she will need more surgery. In fact, I am quite confident that she is doing great. But I am still not able to make that call.
I still remember Dr. Chou calling us out of the surgery waiting room. Announcing that Maddie's surgery had went well - but also informing us that the dermoid tumor in her belly had engrossed her left ovary and had torn off the left fallopian tube. They could not save the ovary or the fallopian tube. It seemed so surreal to ask a surgeon if your 2 month old daughter would be able to have children. But Dr. Chou assured us that even with one overy, her ability to conceive would not be compromised. Then she added the kicker...another cyst had been found on the right ovary. They attempted to secure the right fallopian tube, but could not. Therefore, she would need to be monitored. Thus, the follow-up ultrasound.
I have a very good feeling that the cyst was simply a hormonal cyst - many infant girls are born with them...and they shrink on their own. But the only way to know is to have the ultrasound done.
I know I need to make that phone call. But I cannot.
Madigan is in no pain. She is thriving and growing. Should I hold off making that call? If I am certain all is OK, then why not get the silly ultrasound done and be done with it all. But I cannot make that phone call.
I have a love-hate relationship with CHEO. Very understandable coming from a mother whose first born was saved at that hospital. Very understandable coming from a mother who lived in NICU for almost a month. Very understandable coming from a mother who during a pregnancy ultrasound found out her unborn baby had a "sizable" tumor. Very understandable coming from a mother who had to hand two infant babies to strangers and place their lives in the hands of those strangers.
But perhaps, because of those reasons, I need to call. Part of being a mom, is protecting your babies. And I can only protect my baby Mags if I know her real medical condition. I need to make that call...and I will.