Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Ultrasound results - or lack thereof

I have re-written this post about 100 times. I cannot seem to get my thoughts in order - mainly because I am currently an emotional mess.

Madigan's appointment went well in terms of her cooperating and the technician getting some good images. WHEW!

But, based on the questions asked by the technician and doctor and the demeanor and tone in the examination room, I fear the results will not be as we hoped. No real results were shared, and we should not jump to conclusions. But I cannot help but hear the phrase, "it is not a single hormonal cyst, your daughter has multiple fibroids and follicles on her one remaining ovary" bellowing between my ears.

I guess we just sit back and wait. Based on our understanding, what this probably will mean is simply continued follow-up ultrasounds and no action until the fibroids cause issues. Which is actually good news ...

...but part of me is so fearful that Madigan's remaining ovary will be damaged or have to be removed. I thought it was so surreal to be discussing my 2 months old reproductive organs and learning that even with one ovary she would have a normal "womanly cycle" and a normal chance of conceiving children. Now it seems the stakes have been raised. The same icky cells that high-jacked Madigan's left ovary have infiltrated the right ovary. Now it is a matter of waiting and seeing.

I think part of the difficulty I am having coping with this is the fact that I adore being a mother. I had terrible pregnancies (all-day, all night morning sickness, siatica, heartburn, you name it!). But at the same time I was so amazed that I had a baby inside of me! It was a wonderful wonder to me. When I had my children I became complete. If my daughter has my same mothering desire, I pray those fibroids do not rob her of experiencing the wonder of conceiving, caring and bearing a child.

OK, I am about to delete this for the millionth time and start over. I do not have the words to describe how I am feeling. I wish I did. Then I could remind myself that nothing is for sure. If she does loose that ovary, then there are other options on how to become a mother and furthermore, who knows what types of medical breakthroughs may come in her lifetime.

I also want to find the right words to rant about how awful I feel for "making" her this way. Sadly, there are times that I feel guilt for the health issues and surgeries my son DJ and my daughter Madigan have had to go through. The guilt seems to snowball and I fear my genes will also live on through to my grandchildren.

I am forcing myself to not delete this entry and just post it already! Be done with it, move on and go back to being the optimistic, happy, energetic, happy mom that I am in everyday life.

As I said in the start of this post: Madigan's appointment went well in terms of her cooperating and the technician getting some good images. WHEW! Now we sit and wait for the results.

Thank you everyone for your support and words of encouragement.


InTheFastLane said...

You certainly shouldn't blame yourself, although mothers are good at that sort of thing. I am sorry that you didn't get an answer today.

Andrea SK said...

Laura... There is no need to blame yourself for any of that. And like you said: there are many ways to become a mother. If she wants it, it will happen. I know it will work out.

slouching mom said...

Oh, Laura. I'm sorry that this may be the case. But even so, she will end up a mother if she wants to be one -- whether through adoption or another avenue...

Not your fault!

Janet said...

It's the waiting that is so hard, isn't it? I hope things turn out for the best.

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh sweetie - don't blame yourself. I am sorry that you didn't get an answer. Please know that your precious Madigan will not be denied a chance at motherhood if she desires it. There are many ways to become a mother.

Don Mills Diva said...

Oh - and the most important things you are passing on to your children are the values of love and strength. Your children will face obstacles no matter what - even if their health was perfect - you are giving them the tools to live their lives well no matter what.